Lord, make me more sensitive to Your Spirit, to how You feel.
I think I've finally gone and destroyed the closest relation I had left.
This has happened so many times in my life. The ones I cared for most couldn't take anymore of my emotion or my chaotic life or You only know what. Despite whatever reason they had to befriend me, they ultimately abandoned me.
Now my own mother is following suit. The one I never thought would make this choice. The one who saw me torn apart over everyone who left.
Why?
Does it have to happen this way? Must my environment be continually unhealthy, hurting me and tempting me to lash out? Must I then screw everything up before it can go right?
I feel You working on something much greater than I can see now. I know You'll use this to grow me and lead me to another chapter of life, chapter of blessings. Every chapter is blessed.
Pain can be blessed.
For a change, though, I'd really like to keep my relationships intact. Give me the heart and resources to take care of people... and to give them space. Give me independence. Release my jealousy. Make me hunger only for You. Otherwise, the pain I can no longer handle.
I know there's a dark part of me that takes over when I feel my needs and feelings have been disregarded. I see the terrible potential I have to become the villain. You know I've been drawn to villains and antiheroes my whole life. Perhaps they would understand me.
Thank YOU for always regarding my needs and feelings, my health, my love. YOU understand me. The idea that anyone else could fully do so, villain or not, is a lie.
Help me let go of the lies. So many have built up through the years of abuse.
"Guard what has been entrusted to your care." (I Timothy 6:20)
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)
"I have Loved you with an everlasting Love. I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." (Jeremiah 31:3)
"God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us." (Ephesians 3:20)
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the Peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18) - my favorite verse
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10)
8/20/13
6/5/13
The Hunger and Lack Thereof
I have a refrigerator full of food, but because of my heartache over another misled man I want nothing to eat.
People are suffering worldwide, more than I can possibly understand in my privileged state... and all I can think about is my pain.
Something has got to change in my heart.
It won't help to lie that my pain is nothing. It's true, I've been through some hellish things like anyone. The world can be an awful place for every creature. Sorrow and strife do not discern between demographics.
But a freshening, an enlarging, of my (naturally) limited perspective would help me. It would also help the world, if I truly grasp the situation and let God's revolution become my priority instead of "what I do once a month so at least I'm doing something."
If you're of the encouraging mind, I would be grateful for your words in this time. I'm tired of being sad, of feeling sorry for everything and mostly myself. I want a LIFE, not just broken loves.
People are suffering worldwide, more than I can possibly understand in my privileged state... and all I can think about is my pain.
Something has got to change in my heart.
It won't help to lie that my pain is nothing. It's true, I've been through some hellish things like anyone. The world can be an awful place for every creature. Sorrow and strife do not discern between demographics.
But a freshening, an enlarging, of my (naturally) limited perspective would help me. It would also help the world, if I truly grasp the situation and let God's revolution become my priority instead of "what I do once a month so at least I'm doing something."
If you're of the encouraging mind, I would be grateful for your words in this time. I'm tired of being sad, of feeling sorry for everything and mostly myself. I want a LIFE, not just broken loves.
4/25/13
Long Time, No Blog... No Worries
Hello again to everyone out there in the big (small) world!
This bird has returned from a long flight known as college. =)
I decided to minor in film this semester. One of my classes required a movie review blog, so I've been inspired to write here as well. You know you missed me. Heck, I missed me myself. *chuckle*
In other news, I FINALLY got an iPhone. Verizon has an excellent deal for customers who wish to upgrade. Welcome to the modern world.
I've spent the last few hours engrossed in Icomania. It's now so late that it's early... or so early it's late. That considered, I'll keep this simple & post a few interesting links for ya.
This blog is adorable. With a name like Warm Hot Chocolate, you can't go wrong. I'm loving the succulent planter project, as I've lately acquired a soft spot for the plants. Credit goes to West Elm in all their California glory. Someday I'll go back to Cali.
I love Francophilic blogs like this one. My eyes feed on the cascade of gorgeous pictures. Isn't everything a bit more charming in France? Let it be known that many Americans DO like the French.
At the beginning I mentioned my film blog. You can find it here. Feel free to read my reviews and post your opinions. One day I might add music reviews to the collection.
This bird has returned from a long flight known as college. =)
I decided to minor in film this semester. One of my classes required a movie review blog, so I've been inspired to write here as well. You know you missed me. Heck, I missed me myself. *chuckle*
In other news, I FINALLY got an iPhone. Verizon has an excellent deal for customers who wish to upgrade. Welcome to the modern world.
I've spent the last few hours engrossed in Icomania. It's now so late that it's early... or so early it's late. That considered, I'll keep this simple & post a few interesting links for ya.
This blog is adorable. With a name like Warm Hot Chocolate, you can't go wrong. I'm loving the succulent planter project, as I've lately acquired a soft spot for the plants. Credit goes to West Elm in all their California glory. Someday I'll go back to Cali.
I love Francophilic blogs like this one. My eyes feed on the cascade of gorgeous pictures. Isn't everything a bit more charming in France? Let it be known that many Americans DO like the French.
At the beginning I mentioned my film blog. You can find it here. Feel free to read my reviews and post your opinions. One day I might add music reviews to the collection.
1/18/12
Too Shy to Scream
Hold me, please
I'm dying
And no one should have to die alone
He pulls me close and whispers
What cry of your heart
Has not been answered?
What is it
You've been unable to say?
This blog is my tool of expression and outreach, remedy and relation.
We must have freedom of speech, of self-expression. It is CRUCIAL. If we were given minds and voices, let us use them. We are the earthly mouthpieces of God. Even if you don't believe that much, you can agree how terrible it feels to be stifled. Let us help eachother speak. We must support eachother so we all have the confidence to be ourselves, knowing we're loved forever - no matter what we choose.
Recently I finished reading Names My Sisters Call Me by Megan Crane. Thank God for roommates who love to read, and who are willing to lend you their books.
The main character, Courtney, is highly introspective. I enjoy her thought process.
{ "I wasn't sure I was ready to go home. I believed that this city was magical. That it sang to me. And it seemed to me that once you happened upon magical places you should stay there, happily ever after. I wasn't sure why characters in the fantasy novels I read were forever battling to return to what they knew. They already knew it--what mystery could it hold? Maybe, if I stayed in San Francisco, I would discover who I was really meant to be." }
{ "He was looking through a record bin in some old record shop, and he was unaware that the camera was on him. I thought I recognized his intense focus. I loved his slight frown, and the determined set to his jaw. He looked so at ease in himself, in his T-shirt and jeans, and also so purposeful. When I'd been starting out on the cello, I would think of that picture of him and imagine myself making the same face as I concentrated.
Because the truth was, my father was just a myth to me. I had no memories of him that weren't stories told by someone else or pictures interpreted by someone else. Unlike my sisters, I didn't have even the smallest, foggiest memory of his voice or his face to cling to through the years. It had always made me feel guilty somehow. And more alone." }
{ "Sometimes I felt that way--that it was no big deal. Other times, I worried it was a visible wound." }
{ "How could he look exactly the same as he always did? How could he so nonchalantly shatter all the things I'd believed and bear no outward sign of it? I didn't understand. It seemed to me that if someone hurt you, there should be some kind of boomerang effect. They should get hit with it, too, so it wasn't just you. So they didn't get off scot-free while you marinated in the pain." }
{ "There was no narrowing in on this man... no understanding who he really was. He was gone, and the only things that remained were stories, and how those of us left behind fashioned ourselves based on those stories." }
{ "I played loss and joy, discovery and anger. I played for the little girls who lost their father, and the adult women who lost him again and again, every time the story changed. I played for my sisters, and I played against them, then I played them off eachother. My family was a lush collection of sounds with a starkness woven into the spaces between. I played them all." }
{ "Lucas watched me close the distance between us. His eyes were gray and far away, but I knew as he focused on me that he saw me with a clarity no one else ever had." }
{ "I think I'm having trouble letting go of who I wanted people to be... It turns out I have a lot invested in the roles we all play." }
{ "Driving around the pretty little town made me nostalgic and restless all at the same time. It was as if ghosts of my former selves were hanging from the trees or just out of sight on every corner. It seemed funny to me that growing up involved so much shedding of selves. And when you least expected it, you tripped over your own ghosts again, because there always seemed to be something else to learn." }
Her problems and her necessary, yet painful, growth remind me of my life. By the end of the novel, I was encouraged that I could make the better decisions right now and in the future.
Relating to a character is one of the most interesting parts of life, I think. I love, love, love it when someone says exactly what you've wanted to say for years... whether in fiction or reality.
We mustn't lose the art of storytelling. There's so much honesty in it. The truth in the fairytale is what makes it worthwhile.
* "Too Shy to Scream" is an AFI song that I love. It's a good one for swing dancing, if you have the skills to move that quickly.
I'm dying
And no one should have to die alone
He pulls me close and whispers
What cry of your heart
Has not been answered?
What is it
You've been unable to say?
This blog is my tool of expression and outreach, remedy and relation.
We must have freedom of speech, of self-expression. It is CRUCIAL. If we were given minds and voices, let us use them. We are the earthly mouthpieces of God. Even if you don't believe that much, you can agree how terrible it feels to be stifled. Let us help eachother speak. We must support eachother so we all have the confidence to be ourselves, knowing we're loved forever - no matter what we choose.
Recently I finished reading Names My Sisters Call Me by Megan Crane. Thank God for roommates who love to read, and who are willing to lend you their books.
The main character, Courtney, is highly introspective. I enjoy her thought process.
{ "I wasn't sure I was ready to go home. I believed that this city was magical. That it sang to me. And it seemed to me that once you happened upon magical places you should stay there, happily ever after. I wasn't sure why characters in the fantasy novels I read were forever battling to return to what they knew. They already knew it--what mystery could it hold? Maybe, if I stayed in San Francisco, I would discover who I was really meant to be." }
{ "He was looking through a record bin in some old record shop, and he was unaware that the camera was on him. I thought I recognized his intense focus. I loved his slight frown, and the determined set to his jaw. He looked so at ease in himself, in his T-shirt and jeans, and also so purposeful. When I'd been starting out on the cello, I would think of that picture of him and imagine myself making the same face as I concentrated.
Because the truth was, my father was just a myth to me. I had no memories of him that weren't stories told by someone else or pictures interpreted by someone else. Unlike my sisters, I didn't have even the smallest, foggiest memory of his voice or his face to cling to through the years. It had always made me feel guilty somehow. And more alone." }
{ "Sometimes I felt that way--that it was no big deal. Other times, I worried it was a visible wound." }
{ "How could he look exactly the same as he always did? How could he so nonchalantly shatter all the things I'd believed and bear no outward sign of it? I didn't understand. It seemed to me that if someone hurt you, there should be some kind of boomerang effect. They should get hit with it, too, so it wasn't just you. So they didn't get off scot-free while you marinated in the pain." }
{ "There was no narrowing in on this man... no understanding who he really was. He was gone, and the only things that remained were stories, and how those of us left behind fashioned ourselves based on those stories." }
{ "I played loss and joy, discovery and anger. I played for the little girls who lost their father, and the adult women who lost him again and again, every time the story changed. I played for my sisters, and I played against them, then I played them off eachother. My family was a lush collection of sounds with a starkness woven into the spaces between. I played them all." }
{ "Lucas watched me close the distance between us. His eyes were gray and far away, but I knew as he focused on me that he saw me with a clarity no one else ever had." }
{ "I think I'm having trouble letting go of who I wanted people to be... It turns out I have a lot invested in the roles we all play." }
{ "Driving around the pretty little town made me nostalgic and restless all at the same time. It was as if ghosts of my former selves were hanging from the trees or just out of sight on every corner. It seemed funny to me that growing up involved so much shedding of selves. And when you least expected it, you tripped over your own ghosts again, because there always seemed to be something else to learn." }
Her problems and her necessary, yet painful, growth remind me of my life. By the end of the novel, I was encouraged that I could make the better decisions right now and in the future.
Relating to a character is one of the most interesting parts of life, I think. I love, love, love it when someone says exactly what you've wanted to say for years... whether in fiction or reality.
We mustn't lose the art of storytelling. There's so much honesty in it. The truth in the fairytale is what makes it worthwhile.
* "Too Shy to Scream" is an AFI song that I love. It's a good one for swing dancing, if you have the skills to move that quickly.
8/29/11
Internet Therapy (It's Free!)
I loooove PostSecret.
I'm learning to let things & people go. They're better off in the hands of Someone infinitely more capable than I.
Worry accomplishes nothing. My sanity is more important than potential problems or a cloudy future. I need a sound mind for the here & now.
I ask myself, "Why mourn over something long before it's happened? It might never happen... but if it does, don't put yourself through more pain than you have to feel."
I know that...
Way to give people courage to use their voices. Freedom for self-expression is so important that I have trouble putting my feelings about it into words. Ironic, huh?
It's interesting to sit down in Anthropologie and flip through a PostSecret book. Some people leave notes inside. Sometimes people remove those notes & keep them. I suppose if the taker needs it, by all means he or she should keep it as a reminder. I can't pretend it's a selfish act, when I myself take things out of personal need.
When someone releases words into the world, those become free for the taking. We may desire credit. A thoughtful person may give us credit, but we shouldn't expect it.
This also means we're responsible for what we say. We need to be wise. Nowadays our words have wider potential impact than ever before.
I'm learning to let things & people go. They're better off in the hands of Someone infinitely more capable than I.
Worry accomplishes nothing. My sanity is more important than potential problems or a cloudy future. I need a sound mind for the here & now.
I ask myself, "Why mourn over something long before it's happened? It might never happen... but if it does, don't put yourself through more pain than you have to feel."
I know that...
"There is a painful difference between the expectation of an unpleasant event and its final certainty." - Elinor Dashwood, Sense and Sensibility
... and the final certainty you cannot avoid, so control the part you can.
On that note, how about more deep quotes?? Yes-yes? Of course! I'm never without them!
"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses." - Carl Jung
Yaaayyy smart man!!! You've gotta love Jung. I think PostSecret loves him & acts on his advice. More of our institutions should do the same.
"What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed - fully understood - that sticks..." - Cobb, Inception
"You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you you'll win no matter what the outcome." - Hunter "Patch" Adams, Patch Adams
By the way...
Then again, that's my life most of the time. I just want people to jump on my bandwagon.
I may live in sweltering humidity, but I like to pretend it's always the middle of autumn.
8/18/11
"Reality is like a fine wine... It will not appeal to children."
Here are some quotes I recently found & agreed with or thought interesting. I might make this a weekly thing. =)
*Title quote from Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller... I recommend all of his books. He has a fresh, thoroughly honest perspective.
"There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil -- a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome." - Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
"Scream from the roof. We want justice. We want the truth." - Thrice, "Broken Lungs"
"If God gives you a watch, are you honoring Him more by asking Him what time it is or by simply consulting the watch?" - A.W. Tozer
*Title quote from Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller... I recommend all of his books. He has a fresh, thoroughly honest perspective.
"There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil -- a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome." - Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
"Scream from the roof. We want justice. We want the truth." - Thrice, "Broken Lungs"
"My sanity is essential for everything to run smoothly." - Anonymous (This is my new mantra.)
"But you'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind." - Rihanna
"I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that." - Lauren Bacall (It's good for a film actress to understand & use that.)
"Be fair with others, but keep after them until they're fair with you." - Alan Alda (That's also good for an actor to know.)"If God gives you a watch, are you honoring Him more by asking Him what time it is or by simply consulting the watch?" - A.W. Tozer
"I see love as a pure golden-white light that illuminates you from within and also envelopes you -- soothing, comforting, protecting, and uplifting you without faltering. I believe it originates in Heaven and flows through you into all the relationships you allow to touch your soul. It is eternal and beautiful and more powerful than you." - Amy, a girl I don't know on a website (wherein one can pick the exact shade *love* would be if it were a color... I forget the URL)
T Can I escape here, please? T
Makes me think of this, mostly because my roommate, our friend & I watched Anastasia yesterday. Many aspects of the movie are downright lovely, including this song. I looove when music box elements are implemented in a song.
Ooh, I've got the travel bug. Someone whisk me away!! Haha.
8/9/11
Mixed Bag
"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing." ~ Sylvia Plath
(Source: heavinessinmyhead, via ipsissima-verba)
Every time I feel inclined to read Plath, I picture myself as Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You. Not a bad person to be, if you ask me... but I'm so biased, it's ridonk. Laughable, even. So ask someone with an objective perspective. Riiiight.
The award for Most Addicting Website of 2011 goes to: Pinterest. Facebook's appeal has faded slightly in recent months, so I've naturally branched out. I heartily recommend getting a Pinterest account; once your invite's been answered via email, a username & password are all you need. (You can use login info from your Twitter. That's what I do.) Just don't be surprised if you find yourself unable to log off! The biggest downside to Pinterest is how often it's down for maintenance. At that point, you face two choices: visit one of the other billions of websites out there, or get up & do something in your life, in the sphere of reality. *Shudder*
We have to remember that words and images on a computer... are not real. Sure, they affect us in real ways. Any form of communication is "real" communication... but still. Think of The Matrix (even if you don't want to -- humor me for a moment). If everything you posted online or kept on your computer was deleted... what would be left of you, of your life? That scares the living daylights out of me. It probably shouldn't, but that's what our world has become. Oh dear.
I speak critically, but don't get me wrong -- I have a long-lasting love affair with the internet & my computer in general. That's why I can speak from many angles. Let's face it, this area of discussion could go on forever. I could do a whole *series* of posts on physical reality vs. virtual reality, your identity & how it relates to both realms. It's interesting, but it's also a headache. A headache that Hollywood loves to probe.
Speaking of headaches... random food-related fact #2: root beer & bananas give me headaches. Bananas I can avoid, but root beer is harder to abstain from. Half of me is very much Southern.
I read that bananas & potatoes are slightly radioactive because of their high potassium & magnesium content. Perhaps that's why I get those headaches. I could be more sensitive to radiation than most other people... right? I certainly am when it comes to sunlight... & while skin isn't the same as a brain or stomach, they are connected.
The root beer, however -- what's with that?
One fine evening I was exploring Pinterest & came across a recipe for hummingbird cake. It sounds quite sad at first, but upon further investigation, it looks delicious. I'm thinking the name "hummingbird" was chosen because tropical fruit is required to make it.
I'm just a sucker for cream cheese frosting. I get cravings for carrot cake! (Try Ben & Jerry's carrot cake ice cream -- even if carrot cake itself isn't your thing. Walmart sells it, I believe.)
In other news (or not)... *guilty* Is this webcomic the comedic equivalent of Post Secret? Time will tell.
Haha -- I love this. Keep on creatin', you creative peeps.
Welp, time for bed. "SURE..." say those who know me.
(Source: heavinessinmyhead, via ipsissima-verba)
Every time I feel inclined to read Plath, I picture myself as Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You. Not a bad person to be, if you ask me... but I'm so biased, it's ridonk. Laughable, even. So ask someone with an objective perspective. Riiiight.
The award for Most Addicting Website of 2011 goes to: Pinterest. Facebook's appeal has faded slightly in recent months, so I've naturally branched out. I heartily recommend getting a Pinterest account; once your invite's been answered via email, a username & password are all you need. (You can use login info from your Twitter. That's what I do.) Just don't be surprised if you find yourself unable to log off! The biggest downside to Pinterest is how often it's down for maintenance. At that point, you face two choices: visit one of the other billions of websites out there, or get up & do something in your life, in the sphere of reality. *Shudder*
We have to remember that words and images on a computer... are not real. Sure, they affect us in real ways. Any form of communication is "real" communication... but still. Think of The Matrix (even if you don't want to -- humor me for a moment). If everything you posted online or kept on your computer was deleted... what would be left of you, of your life? That scares the living daylights out of me. It probably shouldn't, but that's what our world has become. Oh dear.
I speak critically, but don't get me wrong -- I have a long-lasting love affair with the internet & my computer in general. That's why I can speak from many angles. Let's face it, this area of discussion could go on forever. I could do a whole *series* of posts on physical reality vs. virtual reality, your identity & how it relates to both realms. It's interesting, but it's also a headache. A headache that Hollywood loves to probe.
Speaking of headaches... random food-related fact #2: root beer & bananas give me headaches. Bananas I can avoid, but root beer is harder to abstain from. Half of me is very much Southern.
I read that bananas & potatoes are slightly radioactive because of their high potassium & magnesium content. Perhaps that's why I get those headaches. I could be more sensitive to radiation than most other people... right? I certainly am when it comes to sunlight... & while skin isn't the same as a brain or stomach, they are connected.
The root beer, however -- what's with that?
One fine evening I was exploring Pinterest & came across a recipe for hummingbird cake. It sounds quite sad at first, but upon further investigation, it looks delicious. I'm thinking the name "hummingbird" was chosen because tropical fruit is required to make it.
I'm just a sucker for cream cheese frosting. I get cravings for carrot cake! (Try Ben & Jerry's carrot cake ice cream -- even if carrot cake itself isn't your thing. Walmart sells it, I believe.)
In other news (or not)... *guilty* Is this webcomic the comedic equivalent of Post Secret? Time will tell.
Haha -- I love this. Keep on creatin', you creative peeps.
Welp, time for bed. "SURE..." say those who know me.
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