Lord, make me more sensitive to Your Spirit, to how You feel.
I think I've finally gone and destroyed the closest relation I had left.
This has happened so many times in my life. The ones I cared for most couldn't take anymore of my emotion or my chaotic life or You only know what. Despite whatever reason they had to befriend me, they ultimately abandoned me.
Now my own mother is following suit. The one I never thought would make this choice. The one who saw me torn apart over everyone who left.
Why?
Does it have to happen this way? Must my environment be continually unhealthy, hurting me and tempting me to lash out? Must I then screw everything up before it can go right?
I feel You working on something much greater than I can see now. I know You'll use this to grow me and lead me to another chapter of life, chapter of blessings. Every chapter is blessed.
Pain can be blessed.
For a change, though, I'd really like to keep my relationships intact. Give me the heart and resources to take care of people... and to give them space. Give me independence. Release my jealousy. Make me hunger only for You. Otherwise, the pain I can no longer handle.
I know there's a dark part of me that takes over when I feel my needs and feelings have been disregarded. I see the terrible potential I have to become the villain. You know I've been drawn to villains and antiheroes my whole life. Perhaps they would understand me.
Thank YOU for always regarding my needs and feelings, my health, my love. YOU understand me. The idea that anyone else could fully do so, villain or not, is a lie.
Help me let go of the lies. So many have built up through the years of abuse.
"Guard what has been entrusted to your care." (I Timothy 6:20)
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)
"I have Loved you with an everlasting Love. I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." (Jeremiah 31:3)
"God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us." (Ephesians 3:20)
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the Peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18) - my favorite verse
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10)
8/20/13
6/5/13
The Hunger and Lack Thereof
I have a refrigerator full of food, but because of my heartache over another misled man I want nothing to eat.
People are suffering worldwide, more than I can possibly understand in my privileged state... and all I can think about is my pain.
Something has got to change in my heart.
It won't help to lie that my pain is nothing. It's true, I've been through some hellish things like anyone. The world can be an awful place for every creature. Sorrow and strife do not discern between demographics.
But a freshening, an enlarging, of my (naturally) limited perspective would help me. It would also help the world, if I truly grasp the situation and let God's revolution become my priority instead of "what I do once a month so at least I'm doing something."
If you're of the encouraging mind, I would be grateful for your words in this time. I'm tired of being sad, of feeling sorry for everything and mostly myself. I want a LIFE, not just broken loves.
People are suffering worldwide, more than I can possibly understand in my privileged state... and all I can think about is my pain.
Something has got to change in my heart.
It won't help to lie that my pain is nothing. It's true, I've been through some hellish things like anyone. The world can be an awful place for every creature. Sorrow and strife do not discern between demographics.
But a freshening, an enlarging, of my (naturally) limited perspective would help me. It would also help the world, if I truly grasp the situation and let God's revolution become my priority instead of "what I do once a month so at least I'm doing something."
If you're of the encouraging mind, I would be grateful for your words in this time. I'm tired of being sad, of feeling sorry for everything and mostly myself. I want a LIFE, not just broken loves.
4/25/13
Long Time, No Blog... No Worries
Hello again to everyone out there in the big (small) world!
This bird has returned from a long flight known as college. =)
I decided to minor in film this semester. One of my classes required a movie review blog, so I've been inspired to write here as well. You know you missed me. Heck, I missed me myself. *chuckle*
In other news, I FINALLY got an iPhone. Verizon has an excellent deal for customers who wish to upgrade. Welcome to the modern world.
I've spent the last few hours engrossed in Icomania. It's now so late that it's early... or so early it's late. That considered, I'll keep this simple & post a few interesting links for ya.
This blog is adorable. With a name like Warm Hot Chocolate, you can't go wrong. I'm loving the succulent planter project, as I've lately acquired a soft spot for the plants. Credit goes to West Elm in all their California glory. Someday I'll go back to Cali.
I love Francophilic blogs like this one. My eyes feed on the cascade of gorgeous pictures. Isn't everything a bit more charming in France? Let it be known that many Americans DO like the French.
At the beginning I mentioned my film blog. You can find it here. Feel free to read my reviews and post your opinions. One day I might add music reviews to the collection.
This bird has returned from a long flight known as college. =)
I decided to minor in film this semester. One of my classes required a movie review blog, so I've been inspired to write here as well. You know you missed me. Heck, I missed me myself. *chuckle*
In other news, I FINALLY got an iPhone. Verizon has an excellent deal for customers who wish to upgrade. Welcome to the modern world.
I've spent the last few hours engrossed in Icomania. It's now so late that it's early... or so early it's late. That considered, I'll keep this simple & post a few interesting links for ya.
This blog is adorable. With a name like Warm Hot Chocolate, you can't go wrong. I'm loving the succulent planter project, as I've lately acquired a soft spot for the plants. Credit goes to West Elm in all their California glory. Someday I'll go back to Cali.
I love Francophilic blogs like this one. My eyes feed on the cascade of gorgeous pictures. Isn't everything a bit more charming in France? Let it be known that many Americans DO like the French.
At the beginning I mentioned my film blog. You can find it here. Feel free to read my reviews and post your opinions. One day I might add music reviews to the collection.
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