Lord, make me more sensitive to Your Spirit, to how You feel.
I think I've finally gone and destroyed the closest relation I had left.
This has happened so many times in my life. The ones I cared for most couldn't take anymore of my emotion or my chaotic life or You only know what. Despite whatever reason they had to befriend me, they ultimately abandoned me.
Now my own mother is following suit. The one I never thought would make this choice. The one who saw me torn apart over everyone who left.
Why?
Does it have to happen this way? Must my environment be continually unhealthy, hurting me and tempting me to lash out? Must I then screw everything up before it can go right?
I feel You working on something much greater than I can see now. I know You'll use this to grow me and lead me to another chapter of life, chapter of blessings. Every chapter is blessed.
Pain can be blessed.
For a change, though, I'd really like to keep my relationships intact. Give me the heart and resources to take care of people... and to give them space. Give me independence. Release my jealousy. Make me hunger only for You. Otherwise, the pain I can no longer handle.
I know there's a dark part of me that takes over when I feel my needs and feelings have been disregarded. I see the terrible potential I have to become the villain. You know I've been drawn to villains and antiheroes my whole life. Perhaps they would understand me.
Thank YOU for always regarding my needs and feelings, my health, my love. YOU understand me. The idea that anyone else could fully do so, villain or not, is a lie.
Help me let go of the lies. So many have built up through the years of abuse.
"Guard what has been entrusted to your care." (I Timothy 6:20)
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)
"I have Loved you with an everlasting Love. I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." (Jeremiah 31:3)
"God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us." (Ephesians 3:20)
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the Peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18) - my favorite verse
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10)
